The Masque Forums
General => Three Chicks and a Dude Tell You What To Do => Topic started by: admin on June 08, 2008, 07:17:58 PM
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I am shortly moving from my little house in the city to the coast. I think it is this move that has started me thinking about myself and who I am because it was the buying this house that was the new beginning of my life after my marriage.
My marriage finished very badly and to understand it a bit more then my second ever blog on 360, “Me and my dark times” should maybe be read to help to explain. I keep meaning to delete it but just don’t seem to be able to bring myself to do it.
Everyone says how well I got over the traumas of my marriage, but I am not so sure that I ever really have. I’m not the girliest of girls, I never really lost all my tomboy traits, but I’m not too bad looking and can be hot if I want to be (blushes). I make friends very easily and have some who are very close to me. I have had my share of male suitors including some really great guys with whom I enjoyed some fabulous times. Some of them I know fell in love with me. And thereby hangs my problem. As soon as someone gets too close romantically its like I hit a brick wall. I start to back off and usually things end shortly afterwards. Its as if subconsciously I am frightened of a long-term commitment in case it all goes wrong again. I thought I had got over it last year when I met an Irishman who I finally thought might be the one and then I found out that he had a wife and child in Ireland, he told me his frequent visits back home where to visit his
mother who was ill. It sounds pretty thin now but I fell for it at the time.
We where going to go on holiday to Spain when I found out and to my shame I went off with him and didn’t tell him I knew about his wife until afterwards. Sun, sex, sangria and a knowing compliance in his adultery. Not my finest hour.
I suppose it is why I have taken to the Internet. On here you can have quite close, even intimate relationships and yet there is always that separation.
So there you have it. Am I a damaged person? And is there an answer?
Dear Damaged,
I understand completely about the brick wall, and letting someone knock the bricks down even one by one is tough. The girlie girl thing? Well, I don’t think that matters a hoot.
What does matter here is what you think of yourself. If you think of yourself as damaged goods, then others around you will as well.
I found the online realm a good way to wade back in the waters. It gave me a haven to get close to people without completely opening the door. It took awhile, but eventually I was able to open the door, and it feels really good.
One thing we all must do is learn from our mistakes. Spain, was a moment in time, and yes, you were an accomplice in adultery, but hey who hasn’t been? *looks around for a show of hands* Oh *coughs* maybe not, but what’s done is done, and if that’s not something you wish to do again, then don’t.
Girlfriend, you are not damaged, you are wiser and more cautious then you’ve ever been. Who says that’s not a good thing?
Chick 1
Dear Damaged,
Sounds like you're human. You've made some mistakes and learned some harsh lessons - some about yourself in the process. It's time to open up to honesty now, though. You're likely smart enough to recognize when and how you're "unconsciously" flipping the switch to push someone away.
Next time, stop, think, evaluate what it is that you're unhappy with in the relationship. Are you unhappy with him, or are you unhappy with you, or are you unhappy with your "us". Give a guy a chance to breathe and don't expect perfection - but don't expect a monster, either. Figure out if those imperfections are his or someone else's that you're superimposing on him - and if they can be worked out. Take your time in making breakup choices - no relationship works itself out in the time it takes to withdraw into the past. Forgive yourself for any perceived failures and mistakes in your marriage and certainly in your later affair. Both are over and now you know better.
Not all men want girlie girls. Just be yourself and take your time.
Chick 2
Dear Lady -
No. You're not damaged. Having very much "been there, done that" with starting over and a marriage ending, I know first hand how difficult it is to trust someone new. More difficult, however, is learning to trust yourself again.
The backing off is the fear of "what if I'm wrong again". It's important to be honest with the guy about having been hurt and gun shy. Then take your time. If he's the right guy - he'll understand and when you back away, he won't. He'll be patient with you as you find your comfort zone and gradually, as he's still there throughout your bouts of backing away and insecurity, the bricks will start falling away and those backing off moments will be fewer and farther between.
Good Luck :)
Chick 3
Dear Deranged,
Yes, you are damaged, but so are all of us in some way or another. Coping with that damage and dressing it up in a hot piece of lingerie is what it takes to get back in the ballgame. So you banged married dude. Get over it, let go and move on…So you can start banging single dudes. A fresh start and some hunky, coastal penis will settle you down. Deal with the trauma like most other folks, hide it or drown it in a bottle. Just don’t let it keep you from growing and finding the man of your dreams :::snicker:::
Best Wishes,
The Dude
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Thank you for your time and patience in answering my little outburst. I think with the stress and upheaval of the coming move (and maybe some input from those pesky hormones) I was a little low when I wrote to you. But despite that I suppose the question was lurking back there somewhere.
I have now moved and got fairly well settled in. The house is just great and I love being near the sea.
All in all I'm back on track,and maybe the Dude is right and I should get myself laid...its been a while.
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Apologies, I posted the wrong copy (chick one) here's the correct version with all 3 chicks and the dude.