“It seems very quiet here today Allan” said God as he appeared in heaven to make one of his regular unannounced visits.
The Archangel Allan shuffled his feet nervously. “Yeth Lord”, he answered, “It er, doth a bit”
“In fact Allan, it looks deserted”.
God raised his eyebrows in a disapproving manner. Somewhere in the central African jungle there was an unexpected roll of thunder.
“And there appears to be very little wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from the other place. Would you have an explanation for this?”
Allan shrugged inwardly and decided that the best bet was to come clean.
“Well Lord the fact ith that thith is the one night of the year that Thaint Peter hath off, and, well the inmateth like to take advantage and wander back to earth for a bit of a break and to thee all the old thight’th. It’th therapeutic Lord.”
“And the ones from purgatory?”
“The Archangel Ian altho hath the night off Lord.”
“The Archangel Ian who looks after the Dark Gates to purgatory?” Rumbled God.
“The very thame Lord.”
A puzzled look came over Gods face. “Allan, why do we have a Saint in charge of the pearly gates and not an Archangel?”
Allan felt a little ray of hope at Gods change of subject.
“Well Lord we are, ath you know, an equal opportunity heavenly hotht and ath thuch felt it proper to give one of the top jobth to an outthider. To a Thaint to be precithe, and ath Thaint Peter wath the firtht Thaint to be foithted, er that we were honoured to retheive, then he got firtht shout tho to thpeak.”
“So you are telling me that Saint Peter and Ian have the same night off every year and therefore all the inhabitants of heaven and, I gather, those from purgatory also have the night off?”
“In a nutshell Thir,yeth.”
“Is it a coincidence that they both have the same night in the year off?”
“No Lord. They are very good friendth and they go off for a good night out on the firmament. I don’t inquire too clothely what they actually get up to but they come back looking very content Thir.”
“I’m not very good at remembering faces,” sighed God, “but I do remember Saint Peter.”
Allan murmured something under his breath that sounded like it could have been “bloody unforgettable” which God chose to ignore.
“Big chap, bushy beard?”
“The thame thir”
“Wears a sort of chequered skirt with a hairy thing hanging down in the middle?”
“Exthactly Lord”
“Tried to get me to eat something made from the inside of a cow and insisted on calling me ‘Jimmy’?”
“Thpot on Lord”, said Allan, shuddering as he recalled the scene.
“Oh yes him,” groaned God.
“Ian, as I remember, is the small one with the ears?”
“Yeth Lord he ith rather vertically challenged when compared with the other Archangelth. He ith very efficient at what he doeth though. He doeth like to have a little joke with thothe he pusheth into purgatory, likth to put them at their eathe jutht before the big drop.”
“Hm very commendable I’m sure,” said God in a rather far away voice.
“But,” said God in a voice chocker block with puzzlement, “how do the inmates here and in purgatory know when the gates are left unattended? After all once in they can’t see the other side of the gates and there are no calendars here or in the other place. And the light doesn’t change. Here it is perpetually bright and sunny and down there it is always dull and dreary, so they can’t count the days. How do they do it?”
“They keep a continuouth lithening watch thir.”
“And that helps er, how?”
“Well Lord Thaint Peter keeps a record of the date’th ath he wa’th originally a mortal and when the right date turnth up he givth Ian a shout and off they go.”
“But Saint Peter is a very loud and garrulous Saint so I am sure he shouts all the time. How do they know it’s the correct shout?”
“Because Lord, when the time comth he alwayth giveth the thame call tho that Ian knowth that it ith time, and the inmates of both placeth have learnt thith and tho they wait a few minut’th and thneak out .”
“I suppose I shouldn’t really condone this sort of thing, but on the other hand Saint Peter does provide us with that really nice Dundee cake to have with our tea.”
“And very nith it ith too Lord,” said Allan hopefully.
“Ok then I’ll pretend I didn’t see anything and try not to be here at this time in any other year.”
“It’th betht I think Lord”
“What does saint Peter shout by the way, just so that I know?”
“He shout’th ‘Hello wee Ian’ thir. I believe it’s now even known as that on Earth itself.”
“ ‘The night of Hello wee Ian’. Quite catchy really. Fancy a cup of tea and some cake Allan?”
“Dundee thir?”
“If you like.”
“Lead on Lord,” said Allan happily.
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