Lifestyle Chat Dec 19. Submissive Frenzies

[admin]

Topic: submissive frenzies
Host: song

December 19th
6PM PST (9PM EST)


(Mistress Steel has an excellent submissive frenzies article posted on steeldoor.com)

W/we defined “submissive frenzies” as: Two things; one is the "rush" a submissive tends to go into upon finding the lifestyle... that rush to find the One. The other is the "fix" a submissive comes to need... to submit, to scene or "play".

Early on in the discussion, it was agreed upon, generally, that the most important thing a submissive can do is take his/her time upon finding the lifestyle, read, read, read, read, read, and find a M/mentor (either submissive or Dominant) to talk to about the changes she/he is going through, and the things he/she is learning about him/her self. There was a general consensus that the community has a responsibility to help out new submissives by pointing them in the direction of helpful literature, and talking to them about submissive frenzies.

There was a great deal of contention over whether or not experiencing submissive frenzies was a matter of maturity. In looking over the notes from the discussion, I see that there was a distinction made… that giving in to sub frenzies, making poor decisions out of neediness, and allowing one’s life to get out of control, is where a submissive needs to be told to “grow up”. Experiencing submissive frenzies, though, is a very normal reaction to finding the lifestyle for a new submissive, and a very normal reaction for an experienced submissive who finds herself suddenly without a Dominant in ther life, or intensely needing a “fix”. (A play fix, a service fix, or a submission fix.)

W/we talked about various ways to combat, manage and channel submissive frenzies. Some ideas were acknowledging the frenzies, reading, finding a trusted Dominant to play with to help “take the edge off”, talking to other submissives, and attending discussions, such as the one W/we held last night. Again, the matters of waiting, watching and learning, and not jumping into trusting S/someone immediately were raised. Unfortunately, but realistically, W/we agreed that online, the predators generally outnumber T/those W/who mean a submissive well. To that point, one of the most concise comments of the evening was that new submissives must remember that no one will treat them any better than they treat themselves. This is important, because, as discussed, there is a tendency for submissives, especially in times of intense need, to equate “Dominant” with wise, trustworthy, and safe.

W/we discussed identifying and finding ways for submissives to get those fixes without rushing into making poor choices. W/we defined three basic needs in a submissive with regards to submissive frenzies: the need to serve, the need to submit (to behave/be treated as submissive/to be dominated/controlled), and the need to experience physical sensations (playing / scening). W/we decided that there are numerous ways for a submissive to get his/her service fix; by volunteering at food banks/old age homes/family homes and by generally being of service, either to Dominants (serving drinks at a munch, for example), specifically, or just to people/community in general. On the topic of finding a physical “fix”, W/we discussed finding a trusted Dominant with Whom to play, and avoiding complacency in solo play; also, exercising and channeling that physical energy into some rewarding activities was discussed. As far as getting a “submission fix” goes, W/we talked about volunteering for demanding/controlling people (the joke was that one could volunteer at an old age home, since oftentimes, some of the residents are just downright demanding, but there is some truth to the joke…), behaving in a subservient manner with Dominants one already knows, and using honorific titles when addressing Dominants.

W/we talked about ways to help ease new or experienced submissives into the awareness that they are experiencing submissive frenzies, and it was offered that a simple, “What you are going through is normal, and it’s okay to feel this way, but it’s important to maintain control of yourself,” is sufficient in most cases. There was an acknowledgement, though, that each individual, submissive, or otherwise, is responsible for his or her actions, and for absorbing and heeding the cautions and advisement offered them, and that no matter what, many submissives will learn the hard way, in hindsight after a disappointing experience.

W/we decided that Dominants do, indeed, get frenzies as well, and that in some cases, it’s even harder for a Dominant to get that fix in everyday life, since it’s more feasible to find someone to control one in small ways in life in general, than it is to find someone to control in small ways in life in general. The steps of caution for a Dominant in frenzy are the same as those for a submissive experiencing frenzy; read a lot, find a M/mentor or G/guide to help, and discuss matters, either in one-on-one conversations, or in group discussions, and again, be patient, watch, wait and learn. Practicing with implements before using them on a submissive was also agreed upon as very important for a Dominant either new to the lifestyle, or simply learning new tools.

W/we also discussed the idea of having a “frenzies kit” at the ready, including a written list of good reasons not to rush into anything, perhaps chronicles of past disappointments/mistakes, a list of P/people to W/whom O/one can turn to talk things out, chocolate (to take the edge off of some of the need), play tools (for the submissive, in the even that it’s physically driven frenzies), and a timer. The timer was a neat bit of conjecture there, and it was decided that it could be used to force O/one to sit and think, and truly contemplate before making any decisions regarding playing or P/partnering arrangements.

All in all, it was an excellent discussion! Many good points were raised, and there were enough conflicting opinions to keep O/one thinking! *grins* I would very much like to thank (in no particular order) A/all W/who participated (and A/all W/who sat quietly and watched), including:

Ms. Verijaa, Lasher, Lasher’s raven, Mr. Right 1529, Viper, Saguaro, andone, Eagle Master, ~cis~, quest, Merrymore Brandyplease, sweet spice, leather n lace, desolateslave, Dusky, elizabeth, kyuuri, Doggystylin, Red Dragon Tattoo, anab, =Sir=, AztecBlue, teddibear, Dreambaby.