The "Passionate Trousers" challenge is a challenge based on the fictional bodice ripper that Cassandra Claire has peppered throughout her Schnoogle fic, "Draco Veritas." Yes, I have her blessings for this challenge.
Throughout her "Draco Vertias", Ginny and other characters periodically read this trashy romance novel called "Passionate Trousers" and it is hilarious. So in the spirit of the pseudo-book, I have issued a challenge:
Create a one-shot fic in the spirit of "Passionate Trousers." I have all the snippets from the book in the challenge pasted below.
So, create a one-shot of Hermione and Severus in such a manner as written below, or have them play act (like I did in my fic), Hermione read from a romance novel with Severus constantly interupting with snarky comments, a charmed book that magically inserts the buyer's name and her paramour into the heroine and hero's character, a pensive/interaction type book, etc. You get the gist. Use your imagination.
No rules, just have fun with it. Well, one rule: keep it to one-shots. This stuff will give you sugar shock if taken in large doses.
(Recommendation: post under "Humor" and not "Challenge Fics", that folder is bursting and the humor folder is looking a bit unloved.)
And please be sure to post to WIKTT if you answer this challenge, as I promised Cassandra Claire I'd keep her updated on the answers to this challenge.
And now for the unforgettable..."PASSIONATE TROUSERS"
By Cassandra Claire
http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/Cassandra_Claire/Draco_Veritas/Draco Veritas ch2
"Passionate Trousers" From the Dragon Heartstrings series! Where bosoms actually heave!" it proclaimed in glittering letters, just above the illustration of a swooning witch being given what looked like CPR by a shirtless blond wizard in alarming velvet trousers. As she watched, the wizard looked up from what he was doing, winked, and blew her a kiss.
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The heaving waves on the vast, black ocean beneath the castle sent a salty spray flying up over the rocks, leaving beads of water to form on the exposed alabaster skin of the tall, flame-haired witch who stood on the high balcony. Her salty tears mixed with the sea spray as she faced Tristan de Malcourt, the wizard who had loved her in every way it was possible for a woman to be loved, and then abandoned her to a cruel fate.
Rhiannon laughed mirthlessly as she faced him now. "Tristan," she said. "I suppose you thought I would not find you."
"On the contrary." His firm gray eyes flashed. "Thou art a very determined witch."
She raised her chin. "Yes, I am."
He turned to walk away. "It will do thee no good, Rhiannon. Thou must find another, I cannot love thee."
"No!" She flung herself at him, and almost bounced off his broad, muscular chest, so broad and muscular was it. "It is you, and only you, that I must be with!"
"What art thou saying?" He spun to face her, his robes swirling around his sturdy, muscular calves. “Thou knowest I need my space!"
"It is too late, Tristan! For - I am with child!"
He goggled at her.
"Yes," she repeated. "With child!"
The words hung in the salty air like overripe peaches. She gazed at him, her huge dark eyes filling with tears - and then he had lunged towards her and gathered her to his broad, manly chest, raining fiery kisses on her full, flowerlike lips. "Rhiannon!" he cried. "This changes everything! My darling! My angel!
My light! My life!"
Heedlessly she abandoned herself to his caresses as his long, elegant masculine fingers dispensed with her bodice buttons more swiftly than a practiced Summoning Spell. She leaned back against the balustrade and let him do with her as he wished, her breathing becoming a hungry panting as he shoved her skirts up around her thighs, his hands stroking her creamy skin, and she tried to banish the worrying thought that perhaps she should tell him that the child she carried was not his after all, but the child of the evil Dark Wizard Morgan, Tristan's most hated enemy...
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Draco Veritas Ch3
Her heart broke as she thought of Tristan, who she had last seen being borne away unconscious, draped over the saddle of the beautiful but wicked Lady Stacia, cousin to the Dark Wizard Morgan, who was rumored to have an entire closet full of enchanted leather corsets with which she bent unfortunate wizards to her evil will. When she had drained them of their vital energies, Lady Stacia disposed of her victims in an bottomless pit which her sniveling minions had toiled years to dig for her.
Rhiannon burst into loud tears of grief. Her muffled sobs drew the attention of the captain of the pirates, a burly dark-haired man who was striding the heaving foredeck of the HMS Manly Intent shirtless, despite the fact that it was freezing out and ice was forming on his chest hair. She had heard the other pirates refer to him as "Sven," so Rhiannon was fairly sure that this was his name. (She was very beautiful, Rhiannon, but not so bright.)
Sven strode towards her as the surly waves lashed the heavy deck and Rhiannon struggled uselessly against her bonds, disarranging a great deal of her clothing in the process. His dark green eyes seared into hers. "Look upon your homeland for the last time, my beautiful prisoner," he growled, his eyes hungrily stroking her nearly-naked body with their mesmerizing gaze...
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Draco Veritas Ch4
"Resistance is useless," purred the voluptuously evil Lady Stacia, her vast bosom rising and falling above the material of her leather corset like a temperamental soufflé. "You are mine now, Tristan. Forget Rhiannon. I, and I alone, can take you to the snowy peaks of ecstasy."
Tristan set his jaw. He would have folded his manly arms as well, but he couldn't because Lady Stacia had tied him to a pole. "Rhiannon is my one true love, and I shall never forget her. Never!"
Lady Stacia shrugged, and from her thigh-high leather boot drew a long phoenix feather, with which she commenced tickling the helpless Tristan all over his bare chest. Tristan began to suspect that she would not rest until she partook of his manly charms. Well, perhaps Rhiannon wouldn't mind if it was just this once, would she? Anyway, she had been carried off by pirates. Who knew when he would see her again?
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Draco Veritas Ch7
"How dare you?" Rhiannon gasped, staggering back against the wall, clutching the tattered remnants of her garments about her with trembling hands. The ragged strips of damp cloth did nothing to obscure the heaving, womanly curves of her bosom. Tristan feasted his eyes on the moist orbs as he advanced, his wand outstretched stiffly before him. It was, he thought grimly, not the only stiff thing in the room. He dragged his mind back to the matter at hand. "How dare you approach me thus?" she cried.
"You scorned to speak with me otherwise," he growled. "But I will force you to listen!"
"You abandoned me years ago," she snarled, her eyes flashing like furious emeralds. "I never thought you would return."
"But now I have!" he cried.
"And now I am married to Montague!" she replied, with a heave of her honey-colored breasts. "And he is a good man, a fine man."
"But you do not love him," Tristan snarled, advancing upon her, and pressing her back against the stone wall with his firmly muscled arms. She writhed within his grip, but could not escape. "Not as you loved me!"
"I love you no longer," she spat. "I hate you, I despise you, nay - I loathe you!"
"And yet you cannot keep yourself from wanting me," he breathed, and plunged his lips against hers. She struggled, but it only brought her lush, ripe feminine frame into more insistent erotic contact with his rock-hard masculinity. His wand clattered to the ground between them, unheeded, but he no longer needed it to keep her at bay. She had begun to return his insistent kisses, panting desperately against his rather thick neck, "Oh, Tristan! Oh, Tristan! Oh! Oh! Oh!"
"My flower," he whispered into her hair. "My angel, my flame-haired vixen...!"
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Draco Veritas Ch 9
The chill air of the dank dungeon clung to Rhiannon's tormented limbs. Again she feebly struggled against the chains which restrained her manacled ankles. The moist orbs of her amply straining bosom heaved moistly beneath the tattered cloth of her -
A shaft of light pierced the dungeon gloom as the iron door creaked open and the sinister hooded wizard who had taken her prisoner appeared, cackling maniacally.
Who are you?" Rhiannon gasped, thrashing wildly in her chains. "Who are you and what have you done with Tristan?"
"Muhahaha," said the wizard, and threw back the heavy hood which had, until that moment, obscured the features of her captor from Rhiannon's view.
Rhiannon gasped. "Lady Stacia!"
"Indeed, it is I," announced the voluptuous witch. Her dusky bosom heaved above the laces of her red velvet corset, and black jackboots adorned her shapely feminine legs. "Welcome to Castle Plumeria, Rhiannon," she sneered, and cracked the riding whip she held in her bejeweled left hand towards her prisoner, who trembled in terror. "Undress yourself!" Lady Stacia ordered.
Rhiannon gasped. She was becoming slightly dizzy, probably from all the gasping. "Surely you must be joking..."
"Strip!" Lady Stacia cried, allowing the tip of her riding crop to graze the milky curves of Rhiannon's nearly naked torso. "Or I will do it for you...."
"You know," Draco said conversationally, glancing up at Harry, "this book is a lot better than I remembered."
Harry muttered something inaudible.
"You are not a woman!" Rhiannon cried as Stacia sashayed towards her, intent upon performing myriad unnatural acts upon her body, which Rhiannon would later pretend she had not enjoyed at all. "You must be some kind of demon!" She then proceeded to....
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Draco Veritas ch13
Furiously, Rhiannon tossed back her mane of honeyed silken hair, glaring at the man who stood before her - the man who had killed her father, dishonored her mother, driven her brother mad, and doomed her true love Tristan to a lingering, painful imprisonment deep beneath the dungeon moat. "You cannot break my spirit, Morgan," she hissed.
The Dark Wizard Morgan chuckled, a deep low rumble like a bassoon. His laugh, like everything else about him, was ineffably manly - from the muscular forearms revealed beneath the foaming lace of his sleeves to the coal-blue eyes and tangles of raven hair, he was a gorgeous slab of masculinity. He was, she reminded herself hastily, also Evil. "You will cooperate," he said to her. "Or your lover Tristan will die by my hand - although not before I have tortured him sufficiently."
Rhiannon gasped, and her milky bosom heaved beneath the thin gold satin of her gown. "You wouldn't," she moaned.
"I would," Morgan asserted, leaning back against the enormous ornate stone fireplace in a satisfied manner, an action which caused his satin breeches to tighten across his narrow hips and flat, muscular abdomen. "I'd enjoy it, too. I am evil after all, and take great pleasure in acts of dastardly, if pointless, sadism."
Rhiannon averted her eyes. "What is it you want from me, Morgan?"
"That should be obvious," he purred. "You, my sweet." He began to move towards her, his lean graceful form like a panther's. Rhiannon trembled - truly he was Evil, but since the moment she met him he had stirred her passions as no other man had, before or since -
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Draco Veritas ch 14
"Trousers Undone: The Erotic Journey"
"Oh, Tristan!" Rhiannon flew across the room to her beloved. Her frail taffeta gown was shredded where the Dark Wizard Morgan had torn it. Beneath its inadequate covering, her bosom heaved and trembled like two dishes of aspic being served for dinner during a storm at sea. "I thought I would surely never see you again!"
"Yes, yes," Tristan said, holding her at arm's length. "Don't fuss yourself, darling - and do be careful of my hair, there's a poppet."
Rhiannon turned to her beloved's companion, the frightfully handsome Lord Sebastian d'Oursine. "How can I ever thank you for keeping my Tristan's spirits up during his dark time of captivity?" she gushed, heaving in his general direction.
Sebastian scratched at his neck, where there were a number of dark red marks. Signs of the torment he had endured? "Well," he said in a measured tone, "there were some touch and go moments…"
"More touching than going, really," said Tristan, and they both sniggered.
Lord Sebastian looked at Tristan adoringly. "God, you're clever," he said. "Get over here, you clever, sexy bastard."
It was only as Tristan detached himself from her grasp that he might sidle over to Lord Sebastian and begin kissing him in a decidedly unbrotherly fashion that Rhiannon began to twig that something fairly unusual was going on….
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Draco Veritas is a work in progress, so I'm sure Cassandra Claire have more fun on the way.
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