Okay, peeps. As much as I love this story and would love to finish it myself, I
am balancing to other stories which takes up a lot of attention, as well as
college and my mom, so… I am giving up this story to someone else. let me know that you are doing it, because even though I am no longer writing it I
still think this story will be great and I would love to read it!
CAST
Severus Snape – ugly, greasy git Potions Master
Albus Dumbledore – the Boss
Minerva McGonagall – the co-worker
Remus Lupin – the friend
Draco Malfoy – the nephew
Harry Potter- a student
Ron Weasley – a student
Neville Longbottom – a student
Hermione Granger – the girlfriend
And presenting…
The Fab Five
Kyan Douglas – “Grooming Guru”
Thom Filicia – “Design Doctor”
Jai Rodriguez – “Culture Vulture”
Ted Allen – “Food & Wine Connoisseur”
and… Carson Kressley – “Fashion Savant”
*~*
Introduction
Somewhere inside a rental SUV sit five men in stylish cloths…
[one of the dark haired men, Thom Filicia, wearing black trousers,
white and black stripped shirt and an ivory/khaki -coloured sports jacket. Carson Kressley, wearing a bright array of attire, is scanning through the info
on their latest victim… er, project, while in the back Ted Allen, Kyan Douglas
and Jai Rodriguez read it allowed]
Ted: Okay. We have Severus Snape. He is thirty-eight. He’s the Potions Master
at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Jai: Oh. My. God. Guys, look at his clothes! It’s like… Ewwww!
Carson: His clothes? Look at his hair! You know it’s bad when I say look at his
hair instead of his clothes. God, you could, like, light up Manhattan for a
year with all that oil!
Kyan: Guys, before we do anything with him, we are getting his hair styled… Or
at least washed!
Carson: It says here that he was a spy for a Dark Lord! Oh my! His students and
co-workers call him The Greasy Git! Gosh, Jai. Looks like you will have your
work cut out for you!
Ted: Thom, you are going to have one heck of a time trying to decorate those
rooms.
Thom: I know. I hear it is, like, a castle. Like, literally!
Carson: [flashes a picture in front of Thom]
Thom: [in an awed and horrified tone] Wow…
Jai: Okay, guys, so what is our goal here?
Ted: Our mission is to clean this guy up, work on his attitude and get him to
ask out Hermione Granger.
Kyan: She’s kinda cute. How old is she?
Jai: Well, her birth certificate says she is only sixteen, but her professor
McGonagall said she used something called a Time-Changer?
Carson: Turner.
Jai: Yeah. She used a Time-Turner, so she could be anywhere from seventeen to
twenty.
Carson: So we have to give this guy a complete make-over. Looks, living space,
attitude. And we have to do it by their annual Back-to-School Ball.
[fades out as theme song comes in]
Chapter One
Scene One
[Severus Snape is sitting at his desk in his classroom. It is the last class of
the day – Double Potions with Gryffindor and Slytherin. Suddenly the door
bursts open and he sees five, impeccably dressed men, storming his classroom]
Snape: What the hell is going on?
Carson: [comes to a halt, mouth hanging open before he screams] OH MY GOD!!!
What is he wearing? [he turns away and buries his face in Ted’s shoulder] Dear
Lord, please make this clothing go away! [he turns back around and the
horrendous robes are still there. Carson slowly approaches] Okay… I get that
you are a wizard and you have to wear robes and everything, but who said you
have to dress in something from Bats-R-Us!
[some of the class giggles at this]
Jai: [steps up to some of Snape’s shelves] Okay, I think this is a major gross!
[he points at some of the jars] I don’t think they should be visible… Ewwwww…
Snape: [steps threateningly up to Jai] If anyone touches them… They die!
Thom: [grabbing Jai and pulling him away from the nasty wizard] Ohhhkay. No
work on the classroom!
Snape: No work on any room.
Carson: Actually, Mister Creature from the Black Lagoon, we can. See, there is
a thing called being hired by Dumbledore. Ever heard oh him?
Snape: [sneers]
Carson: [smiles] That’s what I thought, Bat-boy.
Kyan: If we cut his hair – [earns him a glare from Snape] add some blond
highlights and lowlights and style it just right… We could make him look like
Alan Rickman!
Carson: [nods approvingly] And when I take him shopping I will finally get to
see what Alan Rickman looks like in his underwear! [gives cute look to Kyan,
ignoring the hostile glare coming from the Man In Black]
Meanwhile, at the same time…
[Ted, Thom and Jai have made their way to into Snape’s private rooms]
Thom: [looking around the room] Oh my God… I thought Bargeman had no furniture…
This is lamentable! There is nothing here… What does this guy do? How does he
live in this…
Ted: [searching for a kitchen with Jai] There is no kitchen! Why is there not a
kitchen?
Jai: They have some kind of weird creatures that are like maids… [looks at Ted
with raised eyebrows]
Ted: [nodding] Okay… I and Thom will go out and get some appliances.
Jai: [looking around] Um… I hate to point out what should be obvious…
Ted: [storming out] SNAPE!!! [comes in the classroom, students laughing
hysterically and their professor, to see Kyan and Carson tugging at the man’s
hair and cloths] We are going to get special permission from Dumbledore to have
electricity put in your private room, because you my friend are going to learn
how to cook for your girlfriend.
Snape: [looks at Hermione, and glares, but softens with a smile] I should have
known you would have something to do with this. [sighs and looks at the
five “queers”] Fine. I give up. What do I do?
Chapter Two
A/N: I should explain why Severus needs to ask out his girlfriend… They
technically are involved, but lately (you will find out in a few minutes) he
doesn’t do as much for her as he used too… AKA: The Romance Has Fizzled! So
they are about to put him through training to straighten him out.
Ø
Scene Two
[The students are herded out, including Hermione, and the five queers are left
alone with Snape – oh don’t be sick! J ]
Thom: Okay… First, we are going to talk about what the hell you are thinking!
[looks pointedly at Snape] What the hell were you thinking? I mean, there is
nothing here! You have no carpet.
Snape: It’s a castle. It doesn’t come with carpet.
Thom: [giving Snape a look] So, you couldn’t add any? I mean, c’mon, you’re a
wizard! Now, look… This is so dismal that even a corpse would be unhappy. The
floors and walls are so cold. It shows no warmth, no life. It is just pathetic!
You only have one dingy couch and a bed. A bed that has no expression or life…
It is like being in a prison!
[from in the bathroom]
Kyan: [shouting] Hey, Thom! I want Bat-boy for a minute!
Thom: [smiling] Kyan wants you, Bat-boy!
Snape: [growling because he hates being called ‘Bat-boy’, walks to bathroom]
Kyan: [grabs Snape and pushes him in front of a cracked mirror] Okay… Look! You
would have great hair if you just used the right products. I can see that you
do have hair products, but you are using two-in-ones! That is the wrong answer,
my friend.
Snape: [glares] You’re not my friend!
Kyan: [wrinkles his knows] A little grumpy, aren’t we? [ignores the continued
glaring] What we need to do is cut you’re hair. I know you like it long, but it
would look much better shorter. Having it this long makes you look much older
than you are. And with your skin tone, your hair makes you look washed out. I
know it is natural, but it still makes you look washed out. What I want to do
is add a few highlights and low lights in dark and light blond. I know it seems
dramatic, but you will look great, I promise. Trust me!
[from yet another part of the rooms]
Ted: Which ever one of your girls has the straight guy… I need ‘im!
[Snape reluctantly trudges through threw the halls to find Ted and Jai standing
together talking]
Ted: [approaching Snape carefully] Alright. With you being a wizard, I am sure
you can just wave and voila a meal! But, I have talked to Dumbledore and we are
getting you good old Muggle electricity down here for your private rooms only.
Since Hermione is a Muggle and she says that your… love life… has lost its
spark, I am going to teach you how to cook a gorgeous four course meal. We’ll
start with appetizers them move on to salad, the main course and finally…
dessert.
Jai: Okay. I have talked to Dumbledore about the whole ruining of your life
because of this Dark Lord. I get that you really don’t like socializing and
being with people, but you need to go out and spend some time with Hermione.
What we are going to have you do is bring Hermione to your room, cook for her
and have a candle light dinner. They you will take her out to see a play or a
concert or an opera… Something romantic, something she enjoys. Okay?
Snape: [looks highly disgruntled]
[Carson, Kyan and Thom enter the room]
Carson: Okay, Bat-boy. We are going to take you to have your hair washed and
styled. Then I am going to take you shopping in Diamond –
Ted: Diagon…
Carson: Diagon Alley. And we will get you some better fitting, and more
colorful, robes. Then we’ll get you some Muggle clothes for when you spend time
with Hermione. [gives Snape a serious look] The only time I want you in those
robes is where you’re in your teacher capacity or playing with Hermione in your
teacher capacity.
[Snape’s mouth drops.]
Carson: [grins] Let’s motor!